Why is it so difficult to forgive your predecessor?

Beijing time on July 9, according tomedia reports, break-up is never easy, but different people will deal with it differently. Some people choose to run a few kilometers to vent their pain, while others try to win back their predecessors’ hearts. Why is this happening? In fact, the desire to rekindle the fire is deeply rooted in our psychology. Let’s imagine a scene in which a girl named Yani, in tears, said to her boyfriend George, they are related to this, and then sighed, slowly walking home, the heart has broken.

It was the third time in just two months that the two had separated, and this time, Janie said they would never look back.

Why is it so difficult to forgive your predecessor?


“I miss him so much that I keep putting on our happy days in my head,” Says Yany. “The nostalgia for the old happy days will soon beat her, ” so I turned back again and again. But our mentality is too different, and that hasn’t changed. I’ve deleted him on all social media and I know it’s the last time we’ve been together. “

The desire to rekindle love fire is very common throughout our lives. About two-thirds of college students have been in a split relationship, and half will remain in a “gun friend” relationship with their ex after a breakup.

Even after entering the marriage hall, many people are still “confused” about the emotional matter. More than a third of cohabiting couples and one in five married couples have had a break-up and compound experience in the current relationship.

There are countless songs, novels, plays, reality shows and movies that have been inspired by this. Parting ways and then seeking forgiveness, this behavior is naturally rooted in our psychology, no surprise. But why can’t we always resist saving a lost feeling?

In the words of Helen Fisher, a neuroscientist at the Kinsey Research Center, people generally go through the so-called “protest” phase when they just break up. In the meantime, the party who has been broken up may be persistent in trying to recover the party that proposed the breakup.

Fisher and a team of scientists asked 15 recently separated subjects to undergo functional magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scans of the brain. When they see photos of their predecessors, the brain regions associated with acquisition, loss, desire, emotional regulation, and love and attachment are activated.

“After you break up, you don’t stop loving each other. In fact, your love for each other may become deeper. The main brain regions associated with ‘addiction’ are active. Fisher pointed out.

During this time, the dopamine and neurotransmitter norepinephrine are more likely to be produced in the brains of the parting party, which is associated with elevated stress levels and impulses to call for help, Fisher said. She calls it “frustration attraction.” This may explain why some people act dramatically when they try to recover their best.

Both male and female subjects who were separated were activated by the volt-proof nucleus in the brain, the main brain region associated with addiction. The subjects in Fisher’s study would “obsessed” with their predecessors, eager to connect with their sons.

“The anxiety of being separated is like a puppy being taken from her mother and left alone in the kitchen, and it will keep going around, barking, or sobing.” Fisher added, “Couples who share multiple times still have a chemical-induced attachment to each other, so until the ‘addiction’ subsides, there’s always going to be a constant tear and a mess between the two.” “

In addition to the chemical reactions in the brain, people are also in a range of behavioral reasons, trying to recover lost love. If your ex has dated someone after a breakup, it accelerates the speed at which the other party forgets old love and reduces the likelihood of compounding. But some people become more insync with each other after a breakup, which increases the chances of forgiving their ex.

Renee Daley, a professor at the University of Texas, points out that the feeling that “something’s not settled” can also prompt couples to get together again after a breakup.

“Some couples may have had a lot of conflicts when they broke up, but they still love each other.” “So the problem may be more about not being able to manage or resolve conflicts,” Daley said. If the two parties don’t break up because of a principled issue, one might be willing to make some positive changes to the relationship, try and renew the relationship. “

Daley also points out that there is a popular field in psychology called “attachment theory”, which is often used by the media to explain the adaptation of relationships, but it does not explain why people are divided in a relationship.

According to attachment theory, the behavior of the child’s treatment by the dependent will affect the type of attachment that the child will have as an adult, and can be divided into safe, anxious or evasive. Safe people tend to communicate healthily with others, while anxious people tend to doubt self-worth and take longer to get back close to others. Those who are evasive are reluctant to let others perceive their emotions and show self-defense resistance to intimacy.

According to the theory, anxious and evasive people should be attracted to each other and have a hard time breaking up completely. But the actual study does not seem to support this.

“We found that couples who often split up were no different in terms of attachment anxiety and avoidance, and that different attachment patterns had nothing to do with emotional quality. Although attachment theory may seem like a good explanation, we find that this is not the case. “

Like Theaini mentioned earlier, nostalgia and loneliness do play a role in asking for forgiveness from their predecessors. “Some of the people’s predecessors were not good for them, but still wanted to work with them after a breakup, which is generally associated with loneliness, nostalgia for the good of their relationship, and feelings of loss and grief caused by the breakup.” Kristen Mark, a professor at the University of Kentucky who specializes in sexual health, points out. She says nostalgia for old feelings often begins when the quality of the current relationship begins to decline.

According to people who are more afraid of being single, the desire for their predecessors tends to be heavier, and the desire to break the mirror is stronger. This may explain Janie’s recent behavior. She said she felt so lonely during the new crown that she couldn’t help but contact her ex and wanted to rebuild her old one.

Social media may make singles’ loneliness worse during their time in the city, as they can easily see what their predecessors are doing through social media. Gail Saltz, an associate professor of psychiatry at New York Presbyterian Hospital, says the desire to get rid of loneliness at all costs may drive people back to old love.

“All kinds of social media allow people to find the trail of their predecessors, prompting them to compound them.” “When we look at the feelings of the past, we always wear a rose-colored filter and forget that people change,” Saltz says. Social media makes it harder for people to break things up and move forward. Some people secretly ‘see’ the post of their ex-supuated, which is a very unhealthy behavior. “

Bellett Brogard, a professor at the University of Miami, points out that millennials may be more likely to exhibit negative behavior when breaking up because social media makes it harder to break up.

“Bad break-ups have been as long as human love history, ” Brogard points out, “but these behaviors have become so common that people have even classified them, given names, such as ‘ghosting’, ‘dead-end’ and so on.” “

Younger millennials are also more likely to develop anxiety and depression, and are more dependent on social identity, making them more likely to form a split-in-line relationship, Brogard added.

Millennials are also more likely to look for love advice online. As a result, “personal love guidance” has become an industry worth more than $1 billion in the United States, and the market for the lost is also emerging. Breakup mentors promise to help customers move forward or rekindle old fires. Many people offer composite tips and strategies on blogs, video sites, YouTube and podcasts, with millions of viewers.

Among the various suggestions, there is a common tactic called the “no-contact principle” (time from 30 to 60 days, and even someone has suggested not contacting the other party at all). This time can be used to promote yourself. Many people suggest texting their ex to remind each other of the good times they’ve had and show each other how much they’ve changed during that time.

Helen Fisher agrees that the “non-contact principle” is a useful approach. She points out that as long as you don’t contact each other for more than 90 days, you can effectively get rid of addictive substances secreted by the brain. But does it work for feelings?

“The process of repairing a heart break is similar to a bst, you have to take someone’s stuff away, stop looking at their social media, and you can’t contact them.”

Brogard also said the principle “does have some scientific basis”. The intensity of strong emotions, such as anger and betrayal, generally decreases over time.

There is a 20-year-old girl named Lillian who broke up with her boyfriend just a few days ago. Heartbroken she searched the internet for a compounding with her ex and saw a video of a ‘love coach’ on social media.

Lillian says the coach offers some tips for building distance from his predecessor and rebuilding his appeal. “It gave me some comfort after the break-up, but it also made me more anxious. The coach advised to wait 30 days to contact your ex-boyfriend and wear nice clothes when we meet again to prove to him that I’m better. But I can’t wait that long. “

While these coaches may offer some solace after a breakup, their advice is not necessarily scientific. “Break-up coaches often lack formal training experience in related areas, such as neuroscience, psychology, cognitive science, philosophy, or social work.” Brogard points out.

She added that some so-called “coaches” might even plagiarize the theories of other trained people, but would not test the authenticity of the stolen information.

“They may be charged more than a good therapist, but there is no evidence that their advice holds water. Buying their products may be a waste of time and money. “The books they produce are sometimes inexpensive, but they are not peer-reviewed, and the vast majority are piles of waste paper. “

Experts remain reserved for the industry, which is subject to near-zero regulation. Daley agrees with Brogard, noting that many break-up coaches “don’t have the qualifications to offer advice.” Saltz also points out that this is an “unregulated area”.

“Almost everyone can call themselves a coach. So I’m very cautious about the industry. How much, how much intensity and high level of formal training have these people received? Attending a few days or a few weekend courses doesn’t count. Who trained them? What are the types of training? Saltz asked.

Brogard recommends that people who have just broken up look more at the scientific literature on breakups and relationships obtained from regular sources, such as Google’s academic papers, rather than spending money on so-called breakup coaches. But she doesn’t recommend spending too much time and energy just to win back someone’s heart.

“If you have to mix with your predecessors, think about whether they really deserve it?”

Experts believe that the compound this matter has no “trick” to speak of, only sincerely, open and honest talk about the last relationship of what the problem.

If it cannot be combined with the predecessor, then by the time the “protest” phase passes, the brains of these people will enter the “abandonment/desperation” phase, and finally accept the reality, the heart is like watering down, and continue to grow.

“You’ll go through a lot of pain and anxiety, but there’s always a day when the wound heals,” Fisher concludes. “